Slug.

I am a slug. And not a cool one like the kind shot from a bullet, the unattractive slimy kind that I often peel off my back door and place gently back into the grass. I'm not sure what's up here with me. I WANT to do so much. I really do! And yet... I get nothing done, NOTHING. The house is semi-clean, but I can't not have that so that's no accomplishment. I finally got my things put away last week from vacation, I went through a small section of the photos but not all of them (which is something I usually like to do and enjoy and rush to do), I'm not even playing with the cats each night. I had to force myself to even get to the grocery store because they were out of food, I have done a little training with them but only to get myself from having to keep cleaning their litter box (training them to use the catgenie again like they did before their brother died).

Ugh. What's going on here?? I'm sleeping a lot, too much. I don't FEEL depressed at all, just incredibly unmotivated and tired a lot. However, this all seems reminiscent of old depressive behavior. Except emotionally I'm calm. Not even that agitated over my own inactivity, just very very confused about it. I'm eating pretty crappy too.

I can't decide where it's coming from, the impending move of my best friend? Graduate school itself? My own time wasting and seeming lack of productivity in EVERYTHING this summer, all of that building up and up and up so now I feel like it's too late to do anything? (It feels like I haven't met any kind of goal in a long time.) I've done lots of good self-reflection lately (mostly on vacation at night when I couldn't sleep and on the plane, etc.), some healthy self-monitoring, and come to some conclusions that made me feel good about parts of my life. And yet, here I sit, still only able to motivate myself to read. That's been the only thing I can do lately. Or shop, lol, in other words I'm USELESS.

I'd like to say: I'm getting off this blog right now and doing such and such (work out, play wii fit, play with the cats, something for my thesis, clean the couch) but I know I wouldn't, even if I did get off of here. So strange. I'm also semi-hiding the sluggishness. I'm doing things with people when the opportunity arises, and just being this way on my own time. And not talking about it. Mostly because it's uninteresting, but probably more because I'm confused as hell about it. Haha, as we speak my kitty is playing with the surrogate me, the Talk to Me Treat Ball. Poor things, they don't deserve this either.

I read the entire book Eclipse by Stephanie Myer this week, in less than a day of course. And now I'm getting into blogs, post-starting this one up in an attempt to help myself find an outlet and some more mental balance. A lot of the ones I have been reading most have to do with sexual exploration, some have erotica, some don't, just running around through different ones, one of my favorites so far for her candid nature is Essin' Em.

Mmm, the sun is out but it's thundering. I love when that happens. A lot. It makes me smile.