My so-called complicated life

Casual thought: Am I using fashion/clothes to fill some void of self confidence in my life, or is it just a newer way to express myself? I can't tell.

Things are probably only complicated in my head. Is this adoration from an old flame addictive because I just want to be loved again? And really FEEL loved and supported and wanted and attractive?

I think it's sad that my right now, SP, doesn't fulfill these needs in me. I remember when we met, I was so cautiously excited to like this person. I remember our on-line profiles and how intrigued I was when I saw his. How bold I felt making the first move, and how oddly vulnerable. How we both spent hours writing to one another that first week.... and then how our first date ended up being almost 8 hours... because we were so busy listening to one another (really listening too, it was pretty magical). I remember how he took pains to surprise me with our dates for the first few months. I remember what a complete disaster I was mentally after all the mess with K & Q and FW & T. How I was both intoxicated and intensely terrified of feeling anything for anyone at all. I remember how sexy he is, I still find him to be just as hot, and how much I wanted him. That hasn't diminished in the slightest, strange. I remember how I pressured him to sleep with me, because I can do that without really caring, and I wanted it to be unimportant. He didn't, which freaked me out. A lot of things about us freaked me out. I was such a mess.... I didn't open up completely the way I usually do, I hid my pain, my fear, my anxiety. I set up patterns where I would go to my friends for my emotional support, not him, never him. I felt like this was healthy for me, the right thing to do. I still do in some ways, but now I wonder if it's my fault that he doesn't meet any of my needs. I never let him know I had them. I set a lot of the patterns this relationship follows in motion.

My bestest told me that she doesn't think we're long term compatible because our wants and what is deeply important to us are very different. I didn't think she was right when we started dating, but now I think she probably is.

I thought I had come to terms with the natural level of distance this relationship seems to have in it while I was on vacation and had way too much time to think about these things. And I thought I had..... I feel like we are sort of monogamous good friend fuckbuddies who don't screw enough. Then I started thinking some more (always a bad idea) and realized that he isn't what I would choose in a fuckbuddy, he is what I would choose in a friend (but not a best friend), and I think I pinned down why he is my right now. Simply because he has the 1 thing I needed most when this started: self-sufficiency. He doesn't need me. He wants me some, but doesn't need me at all. I needed someone I couldn't lose myself in, or harm myself in trying to make it work like I have in the past over and over. That certainly isn't a problem in this relationship at all.

What I can't decide what to do about is... talk to him about this. I don't really want to leave the relationship right now or I think I would have. I do get really tired of never really being happy though, because I know I'm capable of it (and of sustaining it in a relationship for a long period of time). I get tired of thinking about it negatively or even just having to analyze it all the time, and feeling ambiguous. I think I'm finally ready to love someone again. I feel good about him and I 80% of the time we are together, I like his friends a lot, I like sex on tap (my mental idea of a relationship, haha) a lot, I like the things we do together. I like that we both work on our own things regularly, I like his dog, there are lots of things I like. I like him a lot of the time. He's a great teacher, so I like to learn from him. He's sexy as hell to me. I think I need to tell him that I have cut him out of things with me mentally. That's much easier said than done. He's not that easy to talk to, one of the things on the list of items I don't like much about him.

Hypothetical conversation points: We've known one another a year now, is this where he thought we would be? Is he happy with how it is? Then I could listen and have a forum to open up my own mind to him. Then we could decide together if we're happy with being monogamous fuck buddies (As long as he knew that's how I felt about it I would be fine with that label, I just hate feeling like I could be holding out on the fact that I'm not that invested and he might be - that's just WRONG to me! It feels so dishonest and I hate being dishonest.) or if we want to attempt to fix some of the bad patterns and get into a better place with this relationship.