Bluster

Go with the 5th definition of the word on dictionary.com: 5. noisy, empty threats or protests; inflated talk: bluff and bluster.

After upsetting my boyfriend SP when we got up Monday morning in some unknown way, and having a weird moment because of it that then resulted in my wondering all day what was going on.... and him texting me like nothing had happened minutes before I had decided to call and figure it out.... I went to his place. In the requested sexy outfit, but covered up in a raincoat. I think what I was wearing said a lot about my state of mind, and what I wanted. I was ready to force a real conversation about EVERYTHING that's been on my mind. I was ready to be completely honest. And while I didn't feel afraid, I felt in need of protection. I had hope that it would work out in a satisfactory way (the outfit) but I wasn't going to open up to that right away.

I stepped inside his door, and asked him to walk in the rain with me. One of my favorite things to do, but not one of his. The wind was high in the trees, the rain was warm and light (I would have preferred more), the lightning was all far in the distance. It was lovely. Something about nature always soothes me. So we stepped out, him with a curious look on his face, me mentally putting on my armor. He took my hand, made sure he was between me and the road, and picked our path carefully so I wouldn't twist an ankle. All the little signs that he was concerned about me deeply in that moment and intensely aware. Then I started in with asking what upset him that morning, and why he didn't say anything to me until he texted me. Here was my opening.

SP: "I just can't handle how I feel like you're indifferent to me lately, but I haven't wanted to bother you about it. I know Anne is leaving soon..... This morning it just got to be too much and I was going to be late for a meeting, so I took off before I got too upset."
Me: "Hmmm.... ok.... well I would have preferred that at some point you told me how my actions were making you feel or for you to ASK me about them. I'd like to talk to you about why I've been feeling that way and acting that way, it's not just Anne at all, but lately.... it's been hard to find a moment to talk."
SP: "Yeah, we haven't had much time lately..."

I won't give the play by play of a 3+ hour conversation.... just the highlights. It wasn't any kind of argument, or even discussion. No one was waiting for their turn to talk, it was all about active listening and sharing and finding a mutual understanding. Making sure we weren't making assumptions (are assumptions a folly of the intelligent??). SP recognized that the options on the table were generally either a more casual relationship or an ending..... but he ignored them and presented his own in light of the new information. Somehow, he managed to do it without saying he deserved a chance, without any anger, without anything but sadness for a possible opportunity missed through both of our mistakes in dealing with the other. I have to say, I was shocked how it turned out, but happy. Which convinced me that for now, it's the right outcome. Without even trying, he convinced me to give this a different ending than I had decided on... which is unheard of in my past. As Frances has said, "Once you make up your mind, there's no turning back."

So when I entered into this, I couldn't handle involving SP in my emotions. I couldn't handle serious. I wanted nothing to do with any of that. He has just kept to those tenets. He doesn't ASK, he just goes with what he thinks is going on. So when my needs/wants changed I wasn't willing to say that they had, because by then I felt HE wasn't as invested as I was. I was too concerned with repeating the past pattern of putting myself deeper into it than the other person and ending up crushed when they don't share my feelings. I started the pattern that led to where we are now, and in recognizing that I also felt that my initial positive impressions of him might have been stifled by those patterns.... so I asked what HE thinks of me and us together.

His perception of me is that I'm very independent, I don't need him, I have it all together 90% of the time. So he doesn't need to support me, or do much for me, or come along when I go do things.... He has felt entirely secure in our relationship (not something he's felt often), and because of that felt comfortable letting me fly solo and doing so as well. He loves how it feels like we're very good friends, but to him there's a lot more to it than that.... and again he hasn't wanted to talk about it or show it much because he thought that I wasn't interested in that and might leave. What an eye opening thing to hear. How strange is it that two people can experience two completely different things in the same relationship??

He agreed that our fauxtionship wasn't in the realm he wanted it to be, but he said he was doing that because he felt it was how I wanted things. He listened like he used to, made suggestions, offered opinions, apologized without provocation, and accepted my thoughts and emotions 100% without comment and WITH SUPPORT (FINALLY). It wasn't even uncomfortable. We both recognized that we just don't talk enough, neither of us likes to make an issue out of a one time occurrence but then we don't connect the dots and make an issue of a pattern that we should. He hasn't wanted to make any comments about being with me long term because he didn't think I wanted him to. He made me think that he wants long term too, he's just avoided thinking about it because of me. Hah, nice, I've been afraid he had no interest in that! That meant he DID care a lot more than it has seemed about what I need/want, but just had misguided ideas about what it is. In fact a lot of his behavior has been out of a lack of understanding of how it affects me, and because he felt I didn't want to be closer than we are. And he didn't want to ask for more and scare me away. Interesting huh? He's more in touch with himself than he likes to let on (though still less than I am), he just doesn't like to share. The entire conversation felt mature on both sides, and showed me that both of our attitudes led us here.

At one point about halfway through he took my hands in the rain and voluntarily offered me a complete apology for how he has made me feel in the past, he cited some specific examples I didn't bring up. He SAW it, finally, and saw how I would have felt ignored and second fiddle and unimportant to him on a fairly regular basis. He has no idea, but in that moment he won the case he wasn't fighting. If he can come to that conclusion on his own when I give him little bits of things to work with (I was going to flat out tell him everything, but we hadn't gotten there yet), then there's hope. He can learn me, and he wants to. He told me he would really like to change certain things about himself, and would like the opportunity to give more to this if I am open to that. He hasn't meant to be selfish, or make it hard to talk to him, etc.

That's when I agreed to give it a new try. We talked about the needs between us that are not getting met, how it never seems like MY stuff is important and how it feels to like I give more than he does. He also said I need to tell him more often what I want and need, because he's happy to give it to me.... but he was under the impression that I didn't need him at all. It's the little things, and he acknowledged that we need to make time each week for one another, maybe set up a few relationship rituals. He even vowed to come onto me more, lol. I didn't ask him to change anything, to offer anything, to vow anything. It was unsolicited and sincere. If he can do it, this just might be a fantastic experience for the me of THIS year instead of the broken one that started dating him a year ago.

By the end of it all I knew I haven't been overreacting (pleasant surprise!), and I haven't been dramatic (yay again), BUT because we haven't been communicating enough neither of us was giving this the right chance. So I left the next day happy and open to more. And I'm actually excited about the trip now, I think it'll be a chance to get to know one another better again. If it doesn't turn out that way, I do think we would both be able to recognize that we're better friends than partners. So all in all... I'm shocked. I've been blustering all along, and selling both him and myself short (I think). It's so much scarier to me to stay with him actually (as soon as I began to consider it again, partway through talking, I felt almost sick with fear which I haven't once felt considering the other)..... because that means opening myself up, sharing, trusting, being vulnerable.... admitting want and occasional need, knowing I have to open him up as well......

And I tell myself again: Defy your fear. See what happens.

Right before we went to sleep that night I asked him two sexual questions:
What don't I do that you would like? Which he revised and restated to: What would I like you to do more of? Response: Outfits (Safe answer, but very surprising, haha)
What do you like that I do? Talk during sex.

Silly boy, I wonder if he really knows what he asked for when he said he wanted more with me. I talked to Anne about it after, but still haven't had a moment to talk to anyone else.... she got it and said it sounded possible.... I'm still not sure how I feel about our super long term chances, but I like them for now. Gambling time.