Well, if it's on your mind, why not write about it??

Here's something I often wonder about: Sex. Duh to anyone who knows me.

I wonder if some of the constant WANT status I seem to have, not just for sex, but for everything sometimes... and the constant desire for change and novelty, etc. all stem from self-denial. I am very, very well-trained in self-denial. To the point that I rarely recognize when I am practicing it at all. I've blocked memories of all sorts of things, from early childhood to yesterday about anything and everything. I often wonder if this is the source of the times I get sluggish like this, and then indulge and compulsively read an entire novel in one sitting, etc., as a reaction to that denial.

I'm sexually fairly open, very responsive, and generally one touch or word or look or even just thought away from ready to have sex (if even that far, ugh, honestly it gets really old).... I think that my partners usually take advantage of this. And I do think that fuels some of my issues in my relationships. I always feel a little dissatisfied, not just sexually, I tend to fuel people's selfishness in a relationship both sexually and otherwise (or at least enable it)..... I read something in another blog that summed it up a bit, it was a man's perspective on his nympho wife and an encounter they had: "I didn't actually put a lot of effort into her pleasure, knowing she'd have a good time regardless..." I feel like after the first few times when they're trying to impress you and figure you out, this is how it is with me.... And that's fine about 90% of the time with a girl like me , but sex is about so much more than just rutting around. And if it's that way every time, where's the connecting that you get from it? If I never get to actually orgasm to complete satisfaction (which has only happened once in my entire life and I know it's intensely difficult to do, so it's not like I'd even want it more than maybe once every 6 months) with someone, or get to experiment on occasion and feed some of those needs.... yeah.... it just doesn't fulfill me that much. It's sort of like maintenance. Yes, my appetite is somewhat maintained, but not actually sated, ever.

If a guy knew he could get a girl and himself off in a short time, why wouldn't he? That seems to be the issue. I personally like prolonging the experience, I'm extremely multi-orgasmic and they just get better with each one. So yeah, maybe I'm a little greedy and I always want at least 3.... but for me the first one is almost like a primer and it's so EASY to accomplish I've been told it's not even work, so... why shouldn't I want 3?? Even when I do it myself I almost always do it more than once. To me it's important enough to schedule time for it. In an ideal world I'd probably do it 3 times a day, for up to an hour each time. Wow, that would be incredible.

I've had my last two serious boypeople tell me that they've spent days in bed, with other partners, but that's only happened with me once (I asked them about it, they weren't rude for telling me that, lol). The one time that happened to me I was recently devirginized and so was he, we had deflowered one another for lack of a better term. I think that HAD to happen then, and it was nothing like it would be now. That was like... 8 years ago!!!

Sometimes what I really want is to quit looking for a love relationship, and just go back to having a sexual one with someone. Someone open, who is willing to explore, to push boundaries, to help me find out if I am denying myself (I have some serious tendencies to nymphomania, exhibitionism, bdsm, etc. that I have yet to explore) or not. I liked my one purely sexual relationship (though it had to be cut off because it got emotionally messy, he liked me too much as a person and I liked him back too much... I think because we were so sexually connected honestly), I liked my threesomes with women (though not the aftermath, I knew one of them too well and ignored the personality issues she had and I developed with her... she was my first), but I didn't like my one-night stand that much. I'm too concerned about the idea of a sexual relationship though, it seems like work, it seems like it could be very messy and dramatic and reintroduce a lot of drama into my life that I have worked so hard to eradicate (I'm a magnet for it I swear!).

Guys don't have to try to make sex with me good for me, it will be. I often wonder if I am not enough of a challenge because of this. If sexually they get a little bored, I know I do, and fast too. Why don't they see the possibilities in it I do? Does my imagination just go there easier? I wish I found it easier to talk about, but it seems like even when I do share what I want I rarely get it. Again, I think that's because it's so easy to satisfy me without doing anything I may suggest. I think most guys THINK they want a girl who is sexually adventurous, open to women and threesomes, loves sex, is multi-orgasmic etc. but they have no freaking clue what to actually do with one, and maybe they didn't really want that at all.

I want a tattoo, I want to get my nipples pierced.... if just to advertise to myself and those that would get to see these things that inside I'm a little darker than I would seem to be. However, it took years and a coat of nail polish for my ears to be able to handle earrings. I'm apparently allergic to metals... even surgical stainless bothered me some. Grr. I've considered trying it anyway. I think they would look hot, and I can't even imagine how they would feel. Hmm, I'd hate to need lots of new bras though. Is it sad that I have considered becoming a professor just because they're allowed to be more eccentric and have visible tattoos? Whereas if I go the corporate route I really can't do that unless I make a huge name for myself or eventually get an inside gig and choose to stick with it? Ugh. I'm so responsibly minded sometimes it makes me bored.