Life Voyeur

I'm starting to wonder if something isn't seriously wrong with me. If finally these mood issues I've had, the insomnia, etc. aren't actually something I need more help with. I've flirted with the idea of returning to a therapist again and of medication... several times. But I want to be strong enough to do things on my own.... of course. Not to mention medication never seems to work properly on me, except my birth control. That seems to work ok... or at least the side effects seem livable most of the time. I've been on it so long I honestly wouldn't know where it ends and I begin anymore. Recently, there are days when I spend the entire day doing nothing but reading about other people's lives and playing games and reading and ignoring the world. This is a new obsession, but the losing myself in non-activity and playing card games on my computer, and books, etc. is not.... it's just gotten much much worse since I began graduate school. I used to spend my free time doing things I liked... such as painting, working out, playing with my darlings, anything I liked. Not so much in the last 2 years. I've believed for a while that grad school brings out the worst in most people.... but this feels different than my worst. It's incredibly self-destructive, and I hide it. I protect my destruction of myself...... what is THAT?

It worries me. A lot. Regularly. I'm clearly not doing much about it. I think when I get back from going out of town next week it's definitely time to go see a therapist again... and to force myself to write some things out. I wasn't even completely honest with my last therapist, because I didn't need to be. There are times when self-protection from judgement extends too far. Where is the girl who didn't CARE what people thought??? Who just was... and was happy that way??? Or did I just believe in her when she didn't actually exist at all? I always feel better when I'm working to be my best me... or I think I do anyway. I don't remember. Now I only feel great when I'm having sex (and disengaging to have sex or orgasm has gotten more difficult lately too), or escaping somehow (i.e. reading something), or with my best friends.

This scares me because it's a major flag symptom of depression. I never thought anything like depression could happen to me like this. I don't know what to do with myself. I love to laugh, I laugh at myself daily. I have kitties, they make me happy. I'm a cynical, realistic person who loves to laugh and be happy, ho cherishes her friends, who has made a decent life for herself so far out of a bit of yuck (I want more and I'm tired of waiting for it, but I made it and I'm proud of that most of the time), who has overcome a lot of obstacles, blah blah blah. I had never even felt depression before my relationship with K. I hate to think that it created a capacity in me for it...... just thinking about this possibly being depression makes me feel like he won somehow. Not ok.

I hate being afraid. And I am afraid of this weird aspect of my self. I don't want to admit to it, I don't want to make it real. I think I just found out what made me write that other post earlier.