Best friends.

Where would I be without them?? I can't stand that the only one who lives near me is leaving soon. If I could change what I am doing with my life and go in a new direction right now and it meant moving away and never coming back here.... I'd be gone, anywhere it took me. If it was the right opportunity for me. I'm a lover of re-invention, and this place makes me feel so stagnant.

Both of the loves of my life who are not lover-eligible are so wonderful to me. I talked to them both today about SP and a little about E even. My darling Anne and my dear Frances, I hope they know how they are sometimes a lifeline to my sanity. Both of them reassured me that my responses to the things that are going on in my sort of relationship are entirely rational. Then it was all about... ok but what the hell do you want to do about it??

So I've known SP for over a year now....I remember so many nice things... but I went into that in an earlier post. Things haven't been all bad at all, but there's no growth. And this certainly isn't like a serious relationship. We don't go out of our way for one another, or at least he doesn't for me.... ever. Yet, he wants me around a lot. He wants me to go meet his family this month and attend his sister's wedding with him. BUT he may not call me for 3 days at a time (he lives 5 minutes away, drives past my place to go to school and home every day, etc. Plus a year in to something don't you generally at least tell your 'partner' what's going on with you??). He always drinks when we go out, and I always have to drive. I ask him for something (incredibly rare for me) and never get it. I could go on, it's the little things and some big things. I like him a lot, he's sexy, very smart, very driven, a very hard worker.... but he keeps me at bay, and I do the same to him. He's sexually a bit of a prude in my opinion, and doesn't seem that open to new things, or at least not to TALKING about sex, god forbid. He doesn't seem to take an interest in understanding me anymore, it's more like.... he likes having me around when he wants me, but that's it. He almost uses me to have a girlfriend for the things he wants one for, but then just doesn't do the relationship stuff. So then, I ask myself what are we???

Fuckbuddies? Well, he certainly isn't what I would choose in one, we don't have sex nearly enough for that. Plus, he wants too many relationship-y things for that label to work.
Friends with benefits? Almost fits, if the benefits were more things I wouldn't do normally in this situation, like agree to meet his family and road trip somewhere I don't even really want to go with him for 9 days, instead of sex.
Girlfriend/Boyfriend? Sure... if we were in high school maybe. Where you just hold hands at school, go to the same parties, and neck occasionally.... just replace neck with screw.
In a serious relationship? Which is where you would think we would be a year+ into dating, at the grad school level... we're both over 25 now. Um, no way. That means commitment, not just an agreement to be monogamous.

So the next part was... well what do I want? I don't really want to break up at the moment. But I would like things defined. And I might allow my eyes and mind to start straying again. Though he doesn't have to know that. I want to make sure he doesn't want more, or less, or something, it seems wrong to make all of these decisions in my own mind. I wouldn't do that to a good friend much less someone I'm supposedly serious about... I need to be honest with him about my feelings but I don't want to. Talking to him is always such a chore. I don't know why I can't just read the list in my head of reasons why we don't really work that well and walk away. If we did fit better, then it would work. But we don't, and yet I don't really want to let go. Maybe because with Anne already leaving... that would leave me with basically no friends and no one here anymore to do anything with. And that scares me. I'd prefer to go ahead and have some fun with the sexy boy I already know and his friends who I like a lot, and just ride it out. But I have GOT to stop expecting relationship-status things if I am going to enjoy myself again. I wish he would agree to something open, but I know if I ask for it, we're over. He made that clear when we talked about my bisexuality at the very start of this. Insert a HUGE sigh here.

Anne laughed with me about the absurdity of what I want, and how I can't have it. How do you have the break-up convo without breaking up??! :) I adore her.

Then Frances and I talked about it. He told me he knew when I came out to visit him recently that it was over, but also knew I didn't know it yet. He knows me so well it's almost obnoxious sometimes, haha. Yet I know him the same, so it's all fair game. He agreed about the what-to-do-ness of it all.

Mentally, I'm in full retreat. And E is there, on-line, reading my moods through text so well like he always has. SP can't read me when my face is inches from his unless I let him. E is there, saying the nice things, being interested in whatever I have to say, and just liking me completely. Reminding me what it is to actually be really liked by someone. I didn't know that was what I was missing, but it is. SP doesn't seem to really be all that interested in me beyond what I can do for/with him most of the time, he treats me nearly the same as his regular friends. He has made some small efforts to try to make me a little happier the last two days, since I let him see how moody I was. Offering to make dinner for me too when he made his, getting me popcorn and water for the movie, asking if there is something he can do (but when I had a suggestion he laughed it off and said he didn't have time right now but he'll get to it), letting me talk him into sex (what fun it is to always initiate), and sending me a cutesy text tonight. I think it's all too little too late, I'm already retreating to keep myself from further harm.