Adoration Revisited: A LONG Story

Blogging has been helping, I feel more focused and cleaner after I write, AND I have actually gotten up and done something after I purge into this little box as well, just about every time! That's a good trend. So here goes the next thing I probably need to get out of my brain.

(Aside: The gnat fight is under way, vinegar is all around the house and the indoor Raid has been applied to the plant soil they are likely breeding in. If this doesn't help in a few days I have to go buy some wine and fly paper, lol. I'm also wearing a Bounce sheet in my cleavage, weirdly enough it does seem to be warding them off and keeping them away from my face!! I so didn't think it would work but I was desperate enough to try anything the internet recommended.)

So quite some time ago I popped a placeholder in here about adoration, and how addictive it is. That hasn't changed, and I am still being adored. I just haven't wanted to write about it at all. Well, the time has come.

Once upon a very different time, when I was about to break up with the person I thought I would be with all my life, who I gave my virginity to and took his as well, who I had spent 7 of my formative years with, who I had considered marrying, and had a promise ring from, you get the idea... Well during this relationship with A, I developed a friendship over the internet and phone with another boy. We'll call this boy E. He was funny, with a dark and somewhat dry sarcastic sense of humor, he was a bit of an ass but never to me, basically he was my type, and somewhere in there we started confiding in one another. I could tell that for him it was in a way he didn't usually do... which he eventually fessed up to. He loved my lightning quick subject changes, the way my mind works, all the weird things I like to talk about, he was a good roleplayer (that's how we met, through the game my thenboy and I played together, then in person at a convention for said players, yeah yeah shut up I have an overactive imagination and it was cheaper to play than buying all the books that thing needs to feed it), the list of things I liked about him could go on but suffice it to say we clicked as friends (a fairly rare thing for me).... Basically he became a decent friend, but I eventually found out he really liked me. So I stopped talking to him until I did break up with that boy... oh but then....

E and I entered into a long distance fuck buddy situation. I wasn't ok with doing that where I lived, or with someone I didn't know, he was the perfect candidate. I knew he wanted me, I knew he had a larger you know what and I wanted to try that (thanks to some sexual problems I developed at the end of my relationship... for me sex is SO mental, they were all indicative of the deteriorating state of things with A), and I was in complete and total control that way. If I didn't want to talk to E, I didn't answer the phone. :) He was cute, not a 10, but he had the body type I really like and was sooo much more attractive than A had become by the end of our relationship. He just felt like the perfect planned rebound. I am so intellectual I planned my own rebound, lol.

So the phone sex, occasional webcam encounter, photos and videos by e-mail, etc. activity commenced on TOP of a reinstatement of our old phone convos (which could be as much as 3 hours a day, since I used to spend close to 4 in the car a day going from school to job to job to job to home on busy freeways in the big city). It was good. It was such a nice way to break out of my past. Here was someone who genuinely LIKED me, was very attracted to me, encouraged me to explore myself and my sexuality (even if it meant we would never actually have sex, because I knew I had a thing for women I just wasn't sure how serious it was and if I liked them more than men), didn't lie to me (he didn't need to, we weren't together), and we had rules that he followed. He didn't tell me about who he was dating, I didn't tell him about who I was talking to. There were other ones too, no falling for one another, no claims on each other, just good friends with benefits, etc. It was one of the best relationships I've ever had, lol, for a while. We eventually made plans to see each other, and in fact did get together on 3 different occasions over the course of a little over a year. The first one was a little awkward for him I think, but that didn't last long. He kept up with my drive too, which was fun, granted he knew about it (it was higher then than it is now even, this particular birth control evens that out some which is sort of nice and sort of annoying) beforehand but still, that hasn't always meant anything in the past and each trip we had a great time overall.

The last trip wasn't as good at the end. I was talking to someone else I felt had potential by then, and E was falling for me a bit for real, against the rules. I definitely had a bit of feelings for him myself, BUT he has never had his life together, he's younger than I am, and I just wasn't interested in that. After that we had some fights... I eventually moved on into this other relationship with K and E stopped talking to me. Then we saw each other again at another gathering of friends he also knew, and he pulled both me and the current man aside to talk to us. He had gotten the tat I drew for him a long time ago, and he apologized for everything. It was very sweet, he told me he was happy for me no matter what. Etc. Then we started talking again, and one drunken night he let it slip that he thought he was in love with me before. Oh my. I never told him he said that. We talked a bit off and on, but he still wanted me and he made that clear.... when my relationship with K was going downhill I just couldn't handle that too, so we didn't talk much for a long time. My relationship with K was crap for a long time, so the silence with E continued. Not to mention he was buddy buddy with the chick who was making my life HELL at the time, who still had a mental hold on me (Q is her callname) because she was my first chick and I just ALWAYS wanted her.... she never wanted me.... but she did want K, can you feel the possible drama? I always made mistakes where she was involved, always. Some people just do that to you, ugh, and I was always stupid about Q.

So I moved far away to another state to go to school some MORE and E called me.... he had heard K had cheated on me (with Q, and he heard it FROM Q), and that K and I were on a break. I had NOT heard these things yet. I still thought K and I were together, even if I knew it was over. I didn't react well, especially since it felt like E was only calling to see if we could get the sex stuff back up, I was much too broken for that at the time. So I called him out on it, we got upset with one another, and the silence began again. Uglier silence than ever this time since he judged me on some things in that call as well, and I mentally told myself not to talk to him anymore. Since E promptly spoke to Q about it (he was drunk, but who cares), who then called K, etc. I don't need anyone in my life like that.

Years passed and nary a word. Then suddenly both K and E contacted me in the same week. I was intensely suspicious. Turns out though K had some kind of motive he chose to never reveal. He tried to add me on myspace, but when he didn't want to actually have a conversation and then tried to call me prickly over the fact that I said no to a superficial add on there, I ignored it. E didn't even know about it, and no longer talks to Q either. She used him like she does most people, and he got sick of it and her, and the drama, and the pain she liked to cause people. I could respect that, lol. He promised he just wanted to talk, wouldn't gossip about me even if drunk, that he didn't actually judge me in his mind for what I had done (he had NO right), apologized, etc. E said he just hated not knowing where I was and how I was doing. Very typical of 'I still have feelings for you' types of ex returns. I do think that was what K was doing a bit of too, and funny enough A had contacted me a few months before that as well to thank me for leaving him and tell me he was getting married (that convo rocked, I was so happy for him!). And this week my 1 one-night-stand tried to add me on Facebook, I didn't add him but I still could.... We'll call him GJ. Every person I have ever had a relationship with or had sex with except Q has attempted to recontact me in the future or still semi-keeps in touch. I've never done that, but maybe because they do?? Weird, but that's another issue.

FINALLY getting to the point: E and I played catch up through e-mail earlier this year, and after about 2 months of that I gave him my chat again. We haven't talked on the phone. Though I remember his voice well enough that I hear what he says in my head when I read it. He's still into me, thinks I look better than ever (I tend to agree that life has been kind in that I feel much more attractive as I age, I think it has more to do with being more confident and in control of my life), and is still sort of my #1 fan, you know? His humor is intact, but now peppered with a new maturity that intrigues me. He has made some comments that make it clear that his connection to me is unique for him. BUT he's happy to accept friendship with me on whatever terms I choose to give it to him. He knows the rules: no disparaging my current bf who I'll call SP, or prying about him (I speak no negative about us to him, no matter what I'm feeling), and if I tell him I've had too much flirty talk he stops and doesn't get offended when I ignore it. He's smarter than he used to be, but still doesn't have his life together. He's an underdog like me, had the chips stacked against him growing up and they still seem to be sometimes (not so much for me anymore).

I think E's in love with a me that doesn't exist. Yet it's intoxicating to think about the fact that he still cares, and has liked me through all of these years and changes etc. I like being friends with him, I always have. I like that I'm older than he is, and that he always wants to talk to me, and always listens, and always talks back. I like that he instinctively follows our old rules, and if I ask a question no matter how uncomfortable it makes him he makes an effort to answer honestly. I liked sex with him enough that I remember parts of it in clear detail (that's not normal for me). It's not good to have that around probably, when I am always so mentally messy about SP. I thought I had come to a good place about how SP and I are, and that I was ok with it (SP's not The Love of my Life, if those exist, but he's great for me for right now) then last night I had a strange half dream (I was in that almost asleep state) that started out sexual fantasy about E then ended with us together, here in my apartment.... and it was extremely pleasant, productive, and passionate. I know I want someone who brings out the best in me and the longer I'm with SP I know he doesn't really, most of the time. That part dream was of course highly romanticized (idiotic brain), plus I date a higher sexy number of guy now (8+ in my opinion), lol. I'd need to see a new photo of E to know if he still does it for my physically. :D

I've liked E as a friend as long as I've known him except for during one phone call and a few months after it, and that means years now. My imagination keeps taking that and running with it. I certainly think it's the adoration that makes my mind run with this, it feels so NICE and it makes me feel supported in a different way than my best friends do. I think I would be in more trouble if this time when he contacted me he had his shit together, that would be bad, because then my number one issue with him would be removed. I don't want to need to take care of someone, I want them to have their own ambition and plans and be able to follow through on them independently (he has yet to do the follow through part).

Deep down, I just want to be loved for me. And I feel like E does, at least the me he thinks I am.... and that's tough to ignore when I'm not feeling particularly happy or loved by SP. I keep E at a careful distance though, and I'm proud of that. Yet I do indulge myself by remaining friends with him. He reminded me the other day (for the first time since we started talking again) that no matter how many relationships I am in, he'll be there in the wings and if friendship is all he can have for now then that's ok with him, and I should just remember that. (And somehow he managed to do it in a totally non-creepy, non-psycho way that made me feel almost comforted about my current situation, a feeling I kept to myself.) I responded saying we'll see if he doesn't find another person to get involved with, etc, and changed the subject.

I feel a bit better, this writing thing seems to be healthy for me. Time to get ready to go work and have dinner at SP's house.....