Next set of hurdles...

SP is now even MORE stressed with some events going on with school and his life. Who knows when we'll get the chance to talk about us. Frances & Anne both brought up an interesting point about him and the possible convo aftermath also.... Since SP is so self-contained and involved, yet somehow very un-self-aware..... (yes, he's quite the anomaly to me) well.... he could have quite the number of unpleasant reactions. Ranging from vindictive anger (Anne thinks this will happen) to declarations of true love and disbelief in my take on things (Frances feels this is the likeliest outcome). Yech. However, I'm not worrying about it, though I will try to shore my psyche up against any of these issues when I can feel the time has arrived to talk about things. I feel some residual guilt for not having this conversation already, it's not very respectful or nice to make these mental decisions all on my own.... but there has not been a moment for it, in all honesty, and like I said before I have my reasons. Oh my darling best friends are both so wonderful they told me they are leaving their phones on at all times just in case there is drama and I need them. My life for those two.

Then, E had a 'get real' moment with me earlier, I instigated it. See below:

E (1:00:18 AM):	Hah! This you having a boyfriend thing sucks.
E (1:00:20 AM):	I want you to know that.
Amalthea(1:01:54 AM):	lol, of course it does
Amalthea(1:02:14 AM):	but even if i didn't, in all honesty, you'd still be there, i'd still be here, and blah
E (1:02:33 AM):	that really hasn't stopped us in the past, you think that would stop us now?
Amalthea(1:02:47 AM):	we could say more things you want to hear, and you might get more cyber action, but other than that, not much would be different
E (1:03:17 AM):	You'd be flying me down every other weekend ;P
Amalthea(1:03:25 AM):	i'm not as into the idea of a long distance anything as i once was
Amalthea(1:03:33 AM):	haha, on my non-existent extra funds!
E (1:03:40 AM):	Guess I'd be paying my way
Amalthea(1:04:18 AM):	sad huh?
E (1:04:26 AM):	Something like that.
E(1:06:03 AM):	I'm taking off. Sorry, not feeling it tonight. Good luck winding down

That's the first time E's left to stop talking to me like that, and I feel bad that it was my fault. He still smiley'd which is interesting because I know he didn't feel like doing it. I'd like him to be happy, he's my friend. He's special to me. I'm very mentally attracted to him, and very intrigued by how he has grown mentally over the last 5 years. Having someone who puts me on a pedestal and is drawn to me like a moth to a flame is lovely for my battered ego right now, and I'm such a devoted person to my friends and relationships.... it would be lovely once, just once, to be with someone who liked me that freaking much. I don't want to use him though, and I just don't see how things could ever come to a conclusion that would make him happy. Yet I hate to close the door on anything, since I believe that it's when you don't take a chance that you miss out on the best learning experiences. My very best friends believe he's in no way going to ever be right for me (which makes me want to try it more every once in a while - silly stubborn rebellious soul), and that's hard advice to ignore, even if they don't know him the way I do. I've been deceived long distance too many times now to be happy with that type of thing, unless it was purely sexual (which I can and would do while I played around with local options, but he got attached the last time we did that...). The only other way to do things would be for him to move here, because I am not leaving anything for anyone. Right, that's a good idea. Someone I don't know is right for me, coming to live here to be with me, and I wouldn't want him to move in with me.

What is my problem?? Do I just want to be able to jump from one thing I'm bored with and let down by, a situation I feel alone in, to the lovely possibilities of something new but with the security of the old experiences? Do I want to try it because at the moment, E can move anywhere in the country and desperately wants a new life for himself and what fun I would have showing him a new one? Do I want an ally in this town who actually understands me and my Anne is leaving here? Does he just seem like my own tailor made possibility for short and maybe long term happiness and a solution to a lot of issues I currently have? That all sounds like I would still be using him. Yes, he wants me to, but so what? Yes, in a way, we use everyone in our lives. Still, just wanting it with any part of myself feels stupid. I don't know if I want it because I want him to be happy and just want to be worshiped for a while, or because I actually do want it somewhere inside me. I think that in all honesty I'm tired of playing safe, I'm tired of making the nice choice, the good choice. I get this way on occasion, I just WANT to DO SOMETHING. Something radical. (Insert a break up and subsequent craigslist search or adultfriendfinder foray?? Oh man, I really need a change don't I, because I have such massive trust issues and those kinds of things just haven't worked for me. Funny aside: Anne's MOM met her current LTR on aff and she told Anne about it!! WOW, her telling me that was hilarious!! Our mothers deserve love in whatever form they want too, but it's still odd to think about her little sweet mom on that site.) Getting back to what I was saying, I think I just want to take a wild chance. See what happens, let the chips fall where they may, and just stop thinking for a while and try doing. I know I'll likely get hurt, but I almost just want that to happen. Pain is better than apathy to me.

Current status: My overly guilty complex has been activated, by me, about E and SP both. Fabulous. I wonder how differently I would live my life if I didn't get this guilt over every little thing. Is it my fault that E has led himself on? I've been entirely honest. Is it my fault SP has been so emotionally and verbally unavailable our entire relationship? I've made myself entirely available and been entirely open. I'm such a ridiculously judgmental person... of myself. A perfectionist. I don't judge others seriously (though I do make fun of mullets), but the standards I hold myself to are sometimes insane. I could write pages and pages about that.

While I'm wondering, how differently would I live my life if I felt free to be as free as I often WANT to be?? If I could meet someone off one of these sites and trust them to not physically hurt me if I told them not to. Or to hurt me if I asked them to. I just seem to have to know someone to try to trust them, even though I don't want to be involved all that deeply most of the time. Yet deep inside I know I yearn for a partner, eventually.

Another idea for a tattoo: Words worked into the abstract line down my chest are an option as well. My favorite quote idea of the moment is: I am not permanent. I just love how tongue in cheek it is. And it fits with one of my other favorite lines: Don't take life so seriously, it isn't permanent. It's also lovely that it's from my favorite Postal Service song ever: D.C. Sleeps Alone Tonight. That song, Clark Gable, and Against All Odds are my top 3 songs by them, though I love all of their songs. I just might have the winning idea here. Now I need to take a photo of that part of my body and play with photoshop on it and see if I actually love the look on me.